Escuela Confiar
Straight Men Stereotypes in Society
R-e-s-p-e-c-t (When the big piece of chicken aint enough)
Slowly but surely, straight men have become american culture’s whipping boys. the scapegoats for everything that’s wrong with everything, we’re looked at as the ugly elephant in the room scratching his nuts with his forearms, reeking of axe body spray while downloading porn and drop kicking kittens like jack black in anchorman, and i’m sick and tired of it.
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Yeah, i know. We’re pretty much responsible for every war, the holocaust, slavery, rape, the inquisition, the murder of Christ and big l, and pink tims, but we’re not as bad as everyone makes us out to be. we’re people too, with feelings and sh*t, and we’re sick and tired of taking sh*t from everybody else.
Today i will name three separate culprits. Three sources of our unrelenting agony and pain. Three completely unrelated ways that all contribute to our ridicule, and hopefully by recognizing these we’ll be able to make some changes.
1. SITCOMS
It’s no secret that i’m a huge fan of comedy. from arsenic and old lace to bingo long’s traveling all-stars and catch-22, i have a great appreciation for sh*t that can make people consistently laugh. This is why it pains me deep within my loins to see how thoroughly dissed males are in every sitcom. Think about it, seemingly every popular sitcom revolves around the same basic premise: men are f*cking dumb as hell. Unhealthy, simpleminded, and senseless nincompoops who’d be utterly useless without our hot and witty wives to balance our utter thimblebrainedness out.
Now, before i continue, i want to let it be known that i’m not complaining about the hot and witty wife part. Cheryl Hines, and Kelita Smith can complain about me not taking out the garbage any day of the week with their milfy asses. I know this formula is used because nobody would watch a show revolving around an attractive guy and his witless, clumsy, and unattractive wife, but damn…throw us a f*ckin bone. Would it hurt to show one of these men with a brain or a spine? Would ratings really plummet if Jim Belushi didnt walk around with mustard stains on his chin for 23 minutes each week?
again though, please understand that i’m not complaining about the unproportionately good looking and witty women part. i want to make that as clear as possible. its not my dream to turn on cbs one day and see idris elba and niecy nash starring in “baby hair and her baby“. i’d just like a little equality here. not full, but just a little. a smigen.
2. THE TOILET SEAT
Honestly, out of all the gripes women have about men, this confuses and infuriates me the most. Can somebody please explain this to me? How lazy does it make a gender look when you universally complain about something which would take less than a second to rectify? Plus, its been researched at harvard that leaving the toliet seat up actually improves the airflow in the room and has a positive effect on your immune system.
For those still griping about the callousness and inconsiderateness of leaving the seat up, just think of all the potentially objectionable things we do and put up with, and never complain about:
Sleeping in the wet spot.
Eating the, ummm, you know.
***Seriously, i enjoy doing it, but, you have to admit, the vagina is one of the most intimidating looking substances on the planet. Imagine if you had never seen one before, and the earth was invaded by a bunch of 8 foot tall vagina monsters. You’re telling me that wouldnt scare the sh*t out of you? A bunch of drippy, stretchy, flappy, leaky, multi-colored beings that spit random red substances at their whim? spielberg or eli roth couldnt even dream of something more frightening, but we still happily partake with our tongues a blazing and necks a crampin.***
Kissing after fellatio.
***Someone, please tell me. What is it in your minds that triggers the thought “cool, i’ve just had my mouth on his meat for the past five and a half minutes…This would be a perfect time to kiss him!!! I’m sure he’s always been curious about the relish of semen, especially his own“? Please, somebody, explain this to me***
Four words: pantyhose in the sink.
3. YOUR WEIGHT
From this point on, we will not take even a hint of blame anymore for the masochistic obsession you all have with your weight. It is finished.
Of course, i know that women are judged to a different standard body-wise than we are, and i do realize that for many women, self-image/attractiveness and percieved self-worth have a direct correlation, but the only people who give a damn about a stretch mark on your boob or reserve hero worship for ultra-waifish chicks are gay men and other women. Thats it. Nobody else. We’re no longer to be blamed for anorexia, bulimia, siberia, rihanna, and any other eating related disease thats been invented in the past 25 years. Its over.
This is a start. If these things can’t be rectified soon, we’re prepared to protest and boycott certainsh*t until our demands our met. I have a crew of n-words right behind me (insert phrase that rhymes with “go slowmo”) ready to follow my lead. Be afraid, women. Be very afraid.